This is a rush transcript from “The Five,” January 14, 2019. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: I am Greg Gutfeld with Katie Pavlich, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters and she sleeps on a powder puff, Dana Perino — “The Five.”

So, what should we expect as we head toward the Mueller homestretch?


JON KARL, ABC NEWS CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: People who are closest to what Mueller has been doing, interacting with the special counsel cautioned me that this report is almost certain to be anticlimactic. But if you look at what the FBI was investigating in that “New York Times” report, if you look at what they were investigating, Mueller did not go anywhere with that investigation.

He has been writing his report in real time through these indictments and we have seen nothing from Mueller on the central question of was there any coordination, collusion with the Russians and the effort to meddle in the elections or was there even in the knowledge on the part of the president or anybody in his campaign with what the Russians were doing?


GUTFELD: Holy crud. I worry for the poor media every day. They’ve been expecting a pony for Christmas and they may end up with a used slinky. Bring in the therapy llamas for “The View” because the only joy there will be miserable. So, could the most ginned-up (ph) scandal ever be simply a figment of the imagination? Short answer, yes. Long answer, hell yes.

In this piece in “The Hill,” Jonathan Turley suggests that collusion in the deep state narrative are both interpretations of the same bucket of facts colored by our own biases. So which one is true? That Trump colluded with Putin or there is a secret group undermining the president? May be neither, but they feel true to both sides.

On one side, based on the Hillary Steele file, the FBI chased the Russian story because that’s their job. They were told they had to do something which meant find something. They are still looking. Meanwhile, the other side, season orchestrated coup against Trump run by obsessed never Trump- ers and Obama left-overs. You see how both describe the same thing? They both feel right especially because biases are easily confirmed with what we want to see is presented is somehow true.

Its two different sandwiches made from the same crap. And that crap smells like ad profit from “The New York Times” and MSNBC. Yet in reality, it’s simpler. There was no collusion, just Russians doing what they do with the deep state about as organized as an emotional CNN panel. It’s the obvious conclusion and it pleases no one which makes it all the more likely that it’s true. All right, Juan, weeks away from the report. Prepare to be disappointed. Prepare to be disappointed.

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: Deflated, you know, like after Christmas, those big Santa’s at the mall. You feel it coming? This thing about it is that I keep getting these little bursts of air, I mean like last week, wherein it said that Manafort, it was revealed in fact, were sharing privileged data with the Russians.

JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: No, he wasn’t — a Ukrainian one. They retracted that. They retracted the Russian connection.

WILLIAMS: No, in fact it went, the connection was between the Ukrainian and the Russians, Jesse. So, I mean, you get things like that or they —

GUTFELD: Give them scraps. It makes it happy.

WILLIAMS: You know, this business over the weekend where “The Washington Post” reported that in fact Trump was telling his interpreter, hey, give me the notes. Don’t talk to anybody about this, you know.

GUTFELD: Is that unusual? I don’t know.

WILLIAMS: That’s very unusual.

GUTFELD: Not for me. I take all my notes because I don’t want —

WILLIAMS: Well, you’re not the president.

GUTFELD: Yes, but you know what, you know, I could be one day. I don’t know, businessmen don’t like people taking notes.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: I’d be OK with you as president.


PERINO: I’d be OK with you as president.

GEUTFELD: It’s not me.

PERINO: If I could be your chief of staff.

GUTFELD: No, I’m not being president because then all of my friends go down, as we’ve learned.

WILLIAMS: Yes, but it will be a high snarky (ph) quotient.

GUTFELD: That’s true. I don’t think I could beat Trump. Jesse, Karl says – – wait, can I play you the “View?”


GUTFELD: Yes, let’s do that. He’s on the view.


KARL: On the central question of did Donald Trump or anybody in his campaign coordinate, collude with the Russians in their effort to meddle in the 2016 campaign? We have seen zero evidence of that.

JOY BEHAR, THE VIEW HOST: What about Manafort?

KARL: Well, look, Manafort has been indicted because of his personal corruption.

SUNNY HOSTIN, THE VIEW HOST: You are saying there is no indication but Mueller has kept this investigation very close to the vest.

KARL: Yes.

HOSTIN: So there may be no indication right now but we don’t really know because he’s been so very good at that.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG, THE VIEW HOST: We still don’t know what we don’t know.

KARL: We don’t know what we don’t know. I think we — but we know a lot.


GUTFELD: Jesse, he’s trying to break it to them like he’s breaking up with them. He’s no pro-Trumper.

WATTERS: He’s not.

GUTFELD: I mean, Trump just yelled at him over the weekend, right? Was it last week?

WATTERS: That was Pence, but they probably both yelled at him.

PERINO: Yes, Trump.

WATTERS: They did. I’m not going to say anything disparaging about “The View.” Very good show. Very good show that “View.”

GUTFELD: You are never going to be on it, try as you might.

WATTERS: We’ll see. We’ll see, Greg.


WATTERS: I had an uncle, and this was his philosophy. He assumed everyone he met was a child molester and that he worked back from that assumption.

GUTFELD: That is the strangest —

WATTERS: He assumed the worst about everybody.


WATTERS: And this is my point. My point is the FBI assumed Trump was a puppet of Putin, OK. And that’s what bakes into everything that they do. When Trump came in, he wasn’t really going after Russia. He thought China was the biggest national security threat. And that’s just a difference of opinion, but they criminalized that.

He also came in and said, you know, hack — crooked Hillary, we would like to see those e-mails. It was a joke. It wasn’t an actual attempt to hack. The FBI culture is a very Russian-influence culture. They’ve been fighting the Cold War for two generations.

If a politician — a businessman comes in and doesn’t play ball with the conventional wisdom of Washington establishment, they automatically assume he’s a Russian spy. So when they have this thing, there’s this rumor that they changed the — at the RNC, the GOP platform against Ukraine.

That was fake news. They never did. They never watered it down. They actually made it tougher against Russia. When Donald Trump comes in, he fires Comey and they think Comey is a prince. You can’t touch him.

WILLIAMS: But Jesse, you know I —

WATTERS: Comey and his minions, they have been fired, they have indicted, they have been demoted. They are up on charges, Juan. They’ve had their text messages destroyed suspiciously. These people assume Donald Trump was a Russian puppet and worked back from there. And I think it’s a very dangerous and naive —

WILLIAMS: Jesse, everybody else has this week so I’ll just be brief and say that —

WATTERS: Please.

WILLIAMS: — I think before that before the election in 2016, there were four Trump associates under investigation for their ties to Russia.

WATTERS: Juan, can I just stop you there?

WILLIAMS: No, no, no —

WATTERS: Why didn’t they protect the Trump campaign? Why didn’t the FBI give them a warning and say, hey guys, the Russians might try to influence things. Maybe you guys could look out for that. Instead, they tried to trap the Trump campaign instead of protect them.

WILLIAMS: Excuse me, Jesse, didn’t George Papadopoulos in London tell the Australian ambassador, oh, we have information —

WATTERS: No, he didn’t.

GUTFELD: OK, let me ask Dana quickly a question. If President Trump indeed is a Russian agent, and who says he’s not, do you think Mueller would not have acted the first sign of evidence, and go, no, I’m going to take my time with this investigation why we have a Russian agent.

PERINO: I just think that, you know, Bill Barr, who is the president’s nominee for attorney general and he is testifying tomorrow. He says in his pre-testimony, “I’m going to let Mueller finish his job,” but he refers to him as Bob. So, they know each other.


PERINO: And I think that if Mueller did not do a thorough investigation, right, the left would never be satisfied.


PERINO: So he’s got to do all the right things. Jonathan Karl is a very good, responsible journalist. I had a lot of experience with him over the years. Of course he could make you mad too once in a while, but really fair. The thing is, Greg, what is worse for Democrats, President Trump being a Russian agent or President Trump not being a Russian agent? That’s what you have to ask yourself.

GUTFELD: That is a good question. Katie, do you think the media has their share of blame and raising expectations of this drumbeat?

KATIE PAVLICH, CO-HOST: No, they have been totally responsible of all the reporting on the Russia incident. Look, this is like the biggest conspiracy theory ever from the left at this point. I mean, the fact that we are discussing whether the president of the United States is a Russian agent.

A guy who allegedly had the most incompetent campaign in the history of America somehow makes it into the White House and now all of a sudden he’s competent enough to not only get into the White House but to be a double agent for the United States and for the Russians. It’s quite amazing.

But on the double standard, when you read “The New York Times” story about why the FBI opened this counterintelligence investigation, which by the way they can open on anybody for any reason apparently. There was no evidence in the piece cited about why they did that.

And my question is, if they are doing it based on a change in policy towards Russia, which is what they used for justification, can you imagine if the FBI opened a counterintelligence investigation on Barack Obama for being an Iranian operative because of what he was giving to Iran in terms of the cash and the —

WATTERS: He was a Mullah puppet.

PAVLICH: Right. I mean, can you imagine if that was an actual official thing that was opened on the basis of policy, not actual evidence? And so the question is there’s a lot of Democrats have been complaining about the president attacking the FBI, attacking the credibility of the institution.

But they have done nothing to actually re-establish that credibility when it comes to them defending the FBI in opening up this counterintelligence investigation without any kind of evidence whatsoever —

WILLIAMS: Excuse me. I think this is the first time in American history the FBI has done this so you can’t say it’s like oh, they do this to — and secondly —

PAVLICH: That’s what I’m saying. They haven’t done it before.


WILLIAMS: And secondly, here’s the thing. Jim Comey was fired. Andrew McCabe was forced out —

PAVLICH: Name one piece of evidence they had through it.

WILLIAMS: — and they start to think — that’s what I’m saying. They fired — he fired and he said I fired him because of the Russia thing.

GUTFELD: All right. We got to leave there.

PERINO: I like that.

GUTFELD: I like saying that President Trump blasting Democrats for their Puerto Rican powwow while the government remains shutdown, that’s next.



WATTERS: It is day 24 of the partial government shutdown over funding for border wall, the president hunkering down in D.C. over the weekend, willing to work on a compromise, Juan. But about 30 Democrats left him hanging, choosing instead to take off for a winter retreat in Puerto Rico, the president blasting Democrats earlier today.


DONALD TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I’ve been here all weekend. A lot of the Democrats were in Puerto Rico celebrating something. I don’t know, maybe they are celebrating the shutdown. We have a very big crisis, a humanitarian crisis on the border. We have a priority. It’s the safety of our nation.

The southern border has been horrible for decades and it’s now because of the success of our country, it’s now at a level that we cannot put up with. The Democrats have to do something. We need their votes. Otherwise we can’t solve it. Let’s see if they can lead. I don’t know that they can lead, but we are going to soon find out.


WATTERS: Meanwhile, Republican Senator Lindsey Graham suggesting the president open the government for a short period of time in order to negotiate a solution. Here is the president’s response to that.


TRUMP: Well, that was a suggestion that Lindsey made, but I did reject it, yes. I’m not interested. I want to get it solved. I don’t want to just delay it. I want to get it solved.


WATTERS: All right, let’s go back to the Puerto Rico trip, Dana.


WATTERS: So, I don’t know if we have the picture but you know, Senator Menendez from New Jersey shirtless. There he is out by the beach, talking the talk. You know, he’s got all lotioned up, you know, got daiquiris flowing.

GUTFELD: Thank god we have the lower third (ph) up.

WATTERS: He’s down there with lobbyist from big tobaccos, Silicon Valley, the unions, and he’s fresh off an ethics scandal here. I think the reporters maybe should look into story about that as opposed to this Russia collision situation. There’s meat on those bones. I’m not talking about Menendez.

PERINO: Well, having just come off the ethical problem, I would assume that the trip that they tried to dot all their eyes and crossed their teeth so that there was an unethical problem. There is a public perception problem.


PERINO: Right. So you go down there, though, if I were the Democrats, I might turn around and say really, well, we are in Puerto Rico, you know, the place where you said you were going to take funds from their hurricane relief to pay for your wall. That’s why were here.

WATTERS: Don’t tell them that, Dana. Not even talking points.

PERINO: Can I mention something that the president said today?


PERINO: In the last week, if the Democrats were just willing to take all the little a la carte menus that he has mentioned in these interviews or appearances that he does, there’s a making for a really good comprehensive immigration reform bill.

Last week he said, hey, you know those h1B visas, the best and the brightest, the smartest. I tell you what, don’t go anywhere else. Come here and we’ll give you permanent citizenship. That wasn’t on the table before.

Today, when he was talking to farmers, he said I know you guys need workers. They all started cheering. This is one, glad I brought it up. I will make sure you have the workers. Last week, he said he would do DACA. I’m like, OK, so for $5 billion for border securities which Democrats have already said they are for, why not take him up on all of these things that he’s willing to do?

WATTERS: Because they are working on their tans, that is why.

PERINO: That’s true.

WATTERS: Greg, are they going to pay the price for something like this if the Republicans had done this during a shutdown and gone tanning in Puerto Rico or anywhere, they would’ve been hit hard.

GUTFELD: No matter what, vacations are bad for politicians because there is always something going on that’s serious.

WATTERS: And they have enough vacations.

GUTFELD: Yes. And it’s just rarely good optics to see a politician without his clothes on. Bureaucrats should be fully clothed at all times. That’s just for me. Hey, can I respond? I was listening to Howard Stern today and he expressed an argument that I’ve heard before about why walls don’t work, right.

He said it’s because of tunnels. And I’ve been thinking about this and I go, you can argue that tunnels are proof that walls work because it forces the criminal to engage in riskier, more involved, time-consuming endeavors. For example, if you don’t have a wall then you don’t have to dig a tunnel.

For example, you could use the same argument like why would I buy a lock for my bike if somebody has bolt cutters? Well, you reduce the risk of your bike getting stolen the same way that walls reduce the risk of cross over.

So, deterrents always — and this goes back to the whole idea of going to legal ports of entry, drugs, all deterrents do is a funnel efforts of the criminals into more difficult, labor-intensive arenas. That is a success. So walls, no tunnels or with tunnels, are still competent.

WATTERS: Well, if Howard is listening —

GUTFELD: Yes, that was my gentle response.

WATTERS: OK, very good.

PAVLICH: It’s very kind of you, Greg.

WATTERS: What do you think about this — the optics and Greg’s amazing analysis of the tunnel?

PAVLICH: I agree with his analysis about politicians having their clothes on, especially Bob Menendez who has had some problems with the islands in the past —


PAVLICH: — so maybe he should be a little more careful. Washington, D.C. is very quiet right now.


PAVLICH: And Democrats who claim to be fighting for middle-class government workers who skipped their first paycheck, it’s one thing to skip one paycheck. If you skip another one, that’s the entire month, right. That creates even more problems than you had the first time you skipped a paycheck.

For them to be down on the beach lotioning up young women, as we saw in that photo while they are partying with lobbyists who make millions and millions of dollars in Washington, D.C. as a result of these contracts, it looks pretty bad and hypocritical on top of all these other issues they are not coming to the table on.

When it comes to rejecting Lindsey Graham’s solution, he says open it up for a couple of week, the president already put that on the table with Nancy Pelosi in the Oval Office and said if I open up the government in 30 days, will you give me some funding for this barrier or wall and she said no.


PAVLICH: So Democrats have already said it doesn’t matter if you open up the government. And so, it’s up to them now. And we’re talking about $5 billion. We’re not even talking about the $26 billion, as Dana said, they put so much on the table at the White House in terms of compromise, not even for the entire section of the wall that they are looking for. This is a tiny portion of what he’s actually asking for.


WILLIAMS: Well, I mean, say — two quick responses. One is the president had a deal on the table that he rejected that would have given the dreamers and some other — for people with protective status, part of a deal, right, in exchange for the wall way back. And guess what, Steve Miller and the president said no, we want to cut legal immigration by half.

The second thing to say is, you know, with regard to the Republican effort ongoing now to try to get some kind of negotiation on the Hill, well, you’ve heard from people like Chris Coons who was on Fox News Sunday yesterday, we’re willing to negotiate but we need somebody who is reliable.

And the president shifts in terms of what he wants and what he doesn’t want on a regular basis so that even his top aides can’t be confident as to what will make a deal. And finally, you know, I think that’s a Democratic retreat. I think there is a show of “Hamilton,” Lin-Manuel Miranda show is down there and a lot of the politicians have gone down. Republicans have retreats and sunny places.

PAVLICH: In the middle of a shutdown?

WILLIAMS: I don’t know where they are doing this January. I don’t know where it is, but believe me, they are scheduled to have a retreat too.

PAVLICH: Right on the beach —

WATTERS: Yes, their shirts are on.

WILLIAMS: No. I don’t — look, so that’s the issue. No, I think this again is an effort, you say, you know, we can caricature, we can mock, but you know what guys, let’s be serious for a minute. People, they are losing paychecks.

WATTERS: No, let’s mock and caricature. Let’s not be serious. The guy is shirtless in Puerto Rico. Chilling new images of the room police believe 13-year-old Jayme Closs was being held in as her family speaks out about her incredible escape. Stay with us.


WILLIAMS: This is a Fox News alert. The man accused of kidnapping 13-year- old Jayme Closs and fatally shooting her parents has just appeared in court to face charges. Matt Finn is live on the ground with the very latest, Matt.

MATT FINN, FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT: Juan, the judge just granted the state’s request for a $5 million bond and there are very disturbing details coming out of this case this afternoon. First, police say that Jake Patterson admitted to killing James and Denise Closs because he wanted to get his hands on their 13-year-old daughter.

The criminal complaint indicates that Patterson, the suspect, blasted through their front door or the Closs’ house with a shotgun, killed James Closs in cold blood and then hunted through the house until he found Jayme Closs hiding with her mother in a bathroom.

A portion of the criminal complaint reads, “JLC, which is Jayme, stated that she heard a gunshot and knew her father had just been killed. Jayme stated her mother had her cell phone with her and used the phone to cal 9111. Jayme stated Patterson broke down the bathroom door and told her mother to hang up the phone. Jayme stated Patterson told her mother to put tape over her daughter’s mouth which her mother did and then Patterson shot her mother.”

The criminal complaint indicates Patterson had no connection to the Closs family but that one day he randomly saw Jayme getting on a school bus and plotted that he was going to steal her, going to great lengths to murder her parents.

Police say Patterson used a popular shotgun that he thought would help avoid him being detected. He stole license plates and ditched his. He wiped down the gun and shell casings before using them to clean off DNA. He shaved his head and face and put on a ski mask to avoid leaving behind hair.

Patterson kept Jayme captive for nearly three months, making her hide under his bed when people came over until this brave girl made a run for it last Thursday. The district attorney just told us that there are potentially more charges in this case because so far police have not released any details about potential molestation, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Matt, it’s chilling. Thanks so much for that report. As I was saying, they are chilling pictures that are coming now from inside the suspect’s remote home. They show a squalid basement where police believed Jayme Closs was kept prisoner, as Matt was saying, for 88 days. The family praising the young woman, saying she took the power away from her abductor when she escaped.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The thing I wanted to express to her immediately and we all do is the pride we have in her for doing this, for getting out, for making it, for the power that she has. You know, I mean, that she took the power away from this man. That she did this. I mean, it’s just incredible.


WILLIAMS: Katie, I was wondering what you thought about the idea that she was so smart that she knew when he left, she got out from under the bed, found his shoes, and then walked out. I think that was because — at that point, you might have Stockholm syndrome or whatever they call it where you are just trapped, but she wasn’t.

PAVLICH: I can’t imagine this situation, the horror that she has been through, and only I can think about is praying for her and that she has some kind of healthy recovery. We don’t know all the details of what happened, but the premeditation of this and the details that he went through are horrifying.

And on top of it, it was also random. So, when you look at how he saw her, a 13-year-old girl and decided he was going to go into her home, kill her parents and take her. We don’t know the reason why he wanted to take her. That has not been disclosed yet, but the premeditation of this is just completely horrifying and awful. And her will to survive is the only thing that was able to get her out of it.

WILLIAMS: Jesse, you know, I mean, it’s hard to even talk about. But both her parents are dead, and yet from what we’ve heard in the interview this morning, you know, she — they say they’ll let her be sad when she wants to be sad. Let her be silly when she wants to be silly. They’re letting her do whatever she wants. She was not in court today. But everything seems to indicate that she is not traumatized.

WATTERS: Well, I believe she is traumatized, but we’re not hearing a lot of the trauma because, as you mentioned, psychologically, they’re not trying to push and probe too much and say, “What happened to you, what happened to you, what happened to you?” They’re letting her ease back into normal society with her remaining family members.

And I think that’s probably the healthiest thing to do after you’ve been kept 88 days in this creepy ramshackle home in the middle of the woods with, like, stuffed animals all over the place and dirty mattresses on the ground and women’s clothes. They found empty, sugary alcoholic beverages.  You can’t even imagine the potential of what happened there.

But the fact that she escaped was pretty remarkable. Because what he would do is he would put these bins with weights on them and surround the whole entire bed so she couldn’t escape. But he said at one point, “I’m going to go out, and I’ll be back in five to six hours.”

And she thought, “Five to six hours? That’s going to give me enough time to get out.” And luckily, she got out and ran into a neighbor. The neighbor could not even believe that this person was holding her, with people coming over to the house for that whole time, and no one knew.

WILLIAMS: Unbelievable. So you know what I was curious about, Dana, was they had this man in court, but he was in a separate room. Jayme is not in the courtroom.

PERINO: Right.

WILLIAMS: What do you make of it?

PERINO: Well, I don’t know, and we only have about 30 seconds. I would just say that the judge decided to give him a chance for bail. I mean, it’s $5 million. But why he wasn’t held without bail.

WILLIAMS: I don’t know either.

PERINO: It’s very strange.

GUTFELD: I think it’s unfair. He won, in the sense that his life was below zero. He’s a nothing. Life imprisonment is a step up for this scum.  And he will actually have a viable existence. Life in prison is three meals a day. You’ve got — he’s got a gym; he’s got a bed. That’s probably the most that guy’s going to achieve. So in a way, that’s — I was watching him, and I don’t think he even — he doesn’t even see this as a bad thing.

People always say, “The death penalty is too good for people.” But so is life. Isn’t there something in between? Something in between that we can do that combines death and life?

WATTERS: He’s going to get rough treatment in prison. They don’t look upon people like this in prison very well.

GUTFELD: I hope he doesn’t last long.

WILLIAMS: All right. More controversy for the NFL, but this time it’s over their Super Bowl halftime show. Plus — watch this. “The Five” takes a driving quiz to help Gregory prepare for his big test tomorrow. So you’ve got to stay with us for that.


PAVLICH: Well, one of the biggest attractions of the Super Bowl game is the halftime show. The NFL officially announcing that the band Maroon 5 will be the headliner this year, but not everyone is pleased about it.

So far, 84,000 people have signed a petition asking the band to back out of the performance in support of Colin Kaepernick, the former NFL quarterback who began kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice in America.

Also performing on the big day is rapper Travis Scott. However, Scott is insisting the NFL join him in donating to an organization fighting for social justice.

So Greg —


PAVLICH: — I know your thoughts about Maroon 5, but I want to start with this.


PAVLICH: The keyboard warriors have gotten their keyboards out, and they’ve signed a petition at, 84,000 signatures. Last year, 106.6 million people watched the halftime show. Do you think Maroon 5 should back out?

GUTFELD: All right.

I can’t believe I have to defend Maroon 5, but I am going to do it.


GUTFELD: OK, so why is this — why is this a story? Eighty-four thousand people signed a petition to get them to back out of the Super Bowl. That’s .025 percent — .025 percent — of the population. Somehow, this is perceived as relevant by the media that these — a small vocal audience can make people cower.

This is the prime example of what’s wrong with our country. We are allowing the media to interpret the smallest, most militant voice and then they cower to the Twitter mobs. They cower to boycotts under this mistaken assumption that it’s going to matter.

I want Maroon 5, as much as I hate their music, to stand their ground. I want everybody to. We should not wilt before whiners. We should withstand the addiction to persecution.

And I want to add, finally, that I’m extremely upset at Mike Patton, who was confirmed to sing the national anthem at the Rams-Dallas game.  Formerly singer of Faith No More, Fantomas, Lovage, Peeping Tom, Dead Cross. Greatest singer ever. Confirmed.

I went almost to buy a TV to watch it, and then — and then he backs out.  If Mike Patton’s dad is watching — I hope he is — tell him that I am very disappointed in him.

PAVLICH: Jesse, did you throw your TV away after the Eagles lost this weekend?

WATTERS: No, my TV is too expensive. I can’t afford to do that. I would have if I had the money to get a new TV.

But I’m surprised with Greg. I mean, Greg hates Maroon 5, because the lead singer is good-looking. I think that’s what it’s about.

Greg also interprets popular music. He doesn’t like it, because it’s popular. Sometimes popular music is popular because it’s good.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow. A tyranny of the majority.

WATTERS: So I’m going to — I’m going to — I like Maroon 5.

GUTFELD: Of course you do! You know why? You have no taste.

WATTERS: I have great taste. I also like Travis Scott. And I think he was slick with what he did with that whole donation thing with the NFL.

PAVLICH: Juan, your thoughts as a Washington football team fan?


WATTERS: You can say Redskins here.


PAVLICH: I can, but Juan won’t say it.

WILLIAMS: Yes, I don’t say it.

But I — I’m struck by the idea that so many people are still supporting Colin Kaepernick. Because at this point, it’s kind of old news. But I see that a number of the celebrities — you know, from Rihanna, and Jay-Z to others, are saying, “You know, slow down here. Why is the NFL doing what it’s doing, just racing by?”

Because as you point out, I’m a fan of the Washington team. We had two quarterbacks have their legs broken this season. And they wouldn’t even look at Colin Kaepernick. Instead, they brought in guys who couldn’t do the job.

PAVLICH: Because he’s not very good at football.

Dana, your thoughts on this?

PERINO: Well, I’m — I don’t worry so much about the concert at halftime.  I’m more focused on the offensive strategy.

GUTFELD: Here we go.

PERINO: And the zone defense.

WATTERS: There you go.

PERINO: They should have just taken me up on the idea. Garth Brooks is the best solution to this problem. You would never have any of this controversy with Garth Brooks.

GUTFELD: Oh, you mean because he’s white? We’ll be right back with racist Dana Perino.

No, I wanted them to go with — I wanted them to go as Chris Gaines.  Wasn’t he Chris Gaines?

PERINO: Two for one!

GUTFELD: Yes. Two for one.

PAVLICH: But Juan, where does this go from here? Because you have all these celebrity still talking about Colin Kaepernick. He —

WILLIAMS: Yes, well, they keep talking.

PAVLICH: I will say Travis Scott does say that he wants $400,000 to go to this organization, campaigned by Van Jones. Van Jones also just helped with the Criminal Justice Reform Bill that President Trump signed. So maybe some of this money will actually go into neighborhoods that will do some good.

WILLIAMS: That would be great.

PAVLICH: I’m not sure Colin Kaepernick is the best way to get that message across.

WILLIAMS: Well, I don’t know. I mean, I think lots of people — as I say, I’m surprised at the staying power of this issue.

PERINO: Why? Look at Nike. They just had, like, huge — Nike ran that ad.

GUTFELD: One big virtue signal. That’s all it is.

WILLIAMS: I think The Athletic did a poll, Dana —

GUTFELD: One big virtue signal.

WILLIAMS: — and it’s something like 85 percent of current NFL players say this guy is being mistreated by the NFL.

PAVLICH: And the NFL has also seen fans leaving. So it goes both ways.

But Greg is taking the written portion of his driving test tomorrow, and “The Five” is helping him study for it. Dana gives us a practice — practice exam, up next.


PERINO: All right. Greg’s going for his driver’s license test tomorrow —


PERINO: — and he’s taking the written portion. So we thought we’d help him study by testing our own driving knowledge. It’s quiz time.


PERINO: All of us are together. OK.

PAVLICH: This is very scary.

PERINO: So we have — its multiple choice. You hold up the —

GUTFELD: That’s how it is.

PERINO: OK. And I have the answer on here.

Which of the following must you obey over the other three? A) A steady red light; B) A policeman; C) A stop sign; or D) A flashing red light. OK.

WILLIAMS: What was — the policeman was what?


WILLIAMS: All right. I’ll go with that.

PERINO: OK. So we’re all going to say “B.” Fine. Maybe these are going to get harder as we go on. Kind of like “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”


PERINO: The answer is “B.”



PERINO: No. 2, when may you cross a double solid yellow line?

GUTFELD: Ooh, that’s a good one.

PERINO: A, to pass a slow-moving truck; B, to turn into a driveway; C, to pass a car if traffic permits; or D, under no conditions. “D”? Everyone – –

WATTERS: I’m going to risk it it.


WATTERS: Pull into a driveway.

PERINO: Let’s see here. Let’s see here. The answer is “B,” to turn into a driveway.

GUTFELD: I should have done that. Dammit.


WATTERS: Honestly.

PERINO: But you and I will go all the way around, because we’re very respectful.



PAVLICH: No left turns.

PERINO: No. 3, the car behind you begins to pass you. What should you do?

GUTFELD: Ooh, I know this.

PERINO: A, maintain speed so traffic will flow smoothly; pull to the right and stop so he can pass; slow down slightly and stay in your lane; blow your horn to allow him to pass.

I think — what are you going with? Greg went with “C.”

WATTERS: I’m going to go with — I’m going to go with “C.”

PERINO: OK. The answer is actually “C.”


PERINO: Slow down slightly and stay in your lane. So I got that one right, too.

All right. No. 4, on a New York state highway where there is no posted speed limit —

GUTFELD: Oh, jeez.

PERINO: — what is the fastest you may legally drive?

GUTFELD: I know this.

PERINO: — A, 50; B, 55; C, 60; D, 65. I have —

GUTFELD: Wait, say that again? What are the options?

PERINO: Fifty, 55, 60, or 65.

GUTFELD: Oy vey.

WATTERS: I don’t know.

PERINO: I’m going to go with “A.”

GUTFELD: I thought — because it’s 25 — it’s 25 in the city.

PERINO: In the city. But on a New York state highway, the answer is B, 55.


PAVLICH: What? In Arizona, it’s 75.

GUTFELD: Three minutes? I’m running out of steam here.

PERINO: OK, your car starts — this is No. 5. Your car starts to skid on a slippery road. What should you do? A, break quickly and keep the wheel straight; lock your brakes until you come to a full stop; steer in the direction you want the front wheels to go; D, steer toward the side of the road to get the wet pavement. Oh, my gosh. I don’t know.

WATTERS: I think you just drive.

PERINO: I think you —

GUTFELD: I think it’s “C,” steer in the direction you want the front wheels to go.

PERINO: Let’s go with “C.”

WATTERS: I don’t even know. I don’t remember the answer.

PERINO: Is tomorrow a take-home quiz?

GUTFELD: Wait, this is skidding. Yes, when you skid —

PERINO: The answer is “C,” steer in the direction —


PERINO: — you want the front wheels to go.

WATTERS: I didn’t —

GUTFELD: That’s cheating. I didn’t remember — I didn’t see all the answers.

PAVLICH: No point for you.

WATTERS: You know — you know, this is what we have to say about conservatives.

GUTFELD: You don’t get a point.

WILLIAMS: You know that.

PERINO: OK. Here’s another one. What does a “no standing” sign at a certain location mean? Does it mean you may never stop your vehicle there?  Does it mean you may park there if the driver remains in the vehicle? Does that mean you may stop temporarily to pick up or discharge passengers? Or D, you may stop to load or unload merchandise.

PAVLICH: I’m just — no standing.

WATTERS: It’s either “A” or “D.”

PERINO: Stand –it doesn’t say “no parking.”

GUTFELD: Whoa — yes.

PERINO: I’m going to go with “A,” because I’m a stickler for the rules.  And the answer is “C.” You may stop temporarily to pick up or discharge passengers. That’s your Uber rule.


PERINO: Juan and Greg are tied, OK? So should we just have them go?

No. We’ll keep going.

PAVLICH: I would hope Greg was in the lead.

PERINO: OK, No. 7, if a tire —

WILLIAMS: He’s been studying.

PERINO: If a tire blows out, what is the proper thing to do? A) speed up to gain traction and then pull to the right; B, hold the steering wheel firmly and ease up on the gas; C) apply the brakes, then shift into neutral; or D, shift into neutral, then apply the brakes.

PAVLICH: This happened to me once on the freeway, and I don’t remember, but —

GUTFELD: Oh, boy. Don’t say it yet. I’m trying to read and —

PERINO: I’m going to go with “D.”

GUTFELD: I’m going to —

PERINO: What should you do here? What should you do here?

GUTFELD: I think — I think I’m going to have to go with “D.”

PERINO: What should you do if a tire blows out?

GUTFELD: I’m going to go with “D.”


PAVLICH: “B” or “D.”

PERINO: OK, the answer is “B,” hold the steering wheel firmly and ease up on the gas.


PERINO: Can you tell — I have not driven in eight years, can you tell?  Don’t tell the DMV.

GUTFELD: That doesn’t bode well for me.

PAVLICH: I don’t drive in New York.

PERINO: That was kind of special, yes.

WATTERS: Who won?




PERINO: Well done, Juan. Well done, Juan.

GUTFELD: Want to take the test for me?

WILLIAMS: Well, you know that’s what we should do, Greg.


WILLIAMS: That’s exactly what we should do. We should fool them.

GUTFELD: Yes, send you in.

PERINO: Are you nervous?

GUTFELD: Not really, not really.

PERINO: We have faith in you.

GUTFELD: It’s early in the morning. I get up. And of it doesn’t happen, you can take the test, like every — you keep taking — you can take it as long as you want.

WATTERS: If you fail, man, we’re going to tell the whole world.

GUTFELD: I’ll tell the whole world. You know I have no shame.

WILLIAMS: So here’s the one thing that happened to me on my driving test I remember, which is they said, “Back up.”


WILLIAMS: I said, “OK,” and I was backing up.

And they said, “Well, how fast are you going?”

I said, “Well, I can’t see the speedometer.”

PERINO: I’m looking at —

WILLIAMS: But you know what? You don’t — the speedometer does not pick up when you’re in reverse. It just stays at zero.

PERINO: I didn’t know that.

GUTFELD: That’s why if you drive — if you drive all the way home in reverse, you’ll save on gas.

PAVLICH: And you won’t get a speeding ticket.

PERINO: All right. Well, Greg, we wish you the best of luck. Everyone, say a prayer for him.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

PERINO: “One More Thing” is up next.


GUTFELD: I’m not sure. “One More Thing” — Jesse.

WATTERS: All right. So we all know you’re taking your driver’s test tomorrow.

GUTFELD: I’m so excited.

WATTERS: So are we. And so we’ve got some exclusive footage of you practicing over the weekend. You want to take a look at it?

GUTFELD: Yes, I would love that.

WILLIAMS: I saw this. I was at this game.




WATTERS: This was at the time-out at the — Sunday’s game between the Wizards and the Raptors. Juan, you were there!

WILLIAMS: I was there.

WATTERS: You videotaped of Greg. Sweet. Just getting a few laps in.

GUTFELD: I won. I won.

WILLIAMS: Watch this one. He gets the —




WATTERS: Greg, you’re not allowed to do that.

WILLIAMS: The hype lady got hit.

WATTERS: So good luck tomorrow, Greg.

GUTFELD: I will.

WATTERS: We’re all pulling for you.

GUTFELD: I’ve been practicing in that car.

PERINO: Good thing.



GUTFELD: No, wait. I’m sorry. No, it’s — it’s Dana.

PERINO: We’re a lot alike. We’re a lot alike.

GUTFELD: Sorry. No, I looked at the wrong list. See, I had two lists.

PERINO: I am ready. OK. So several hours before the Kansas City Chiefs play-off victory over the Colts, which I paid attention to, offensive lineman Jeff Allen and his car got stranded in the snow, and they needed some help.

So that’s when a good Samaritan who Allen knew only as Dave pulled over on the side of the road to lend a hand. Now, Dave didn’t know who Allen was when he pulled over. All he saw was someone in need but still managed to help the lineman get his car up and running again to make it to the game on time.

So after the team won, Allen took to social media. He’s like, “I’ve got to find Dave.” He wants to thank him and give him tickets to next week’s AFC championship game. Well, within 12 hours, he was able to track down Dave and let them know how grateful he was.

Get this: as it turns out, Dave had been homeless and been living out of his truck for the last eight months. Since this story broke, nearly $10,000 has been raised by the community as an additional thank-you for the selfless act. And have a good time at the game.

GUTFELD: Please be this —

PERINO: I know.

GUTFELD: Please be real. Don’t be like that other one!

PERINO: I know. No, I think it’s real.

GUTFELD: This is real. This is real.

PERINO: I think it’s real.

GUTFELD: All right, Juan.

WILLIAMS: OK, so if you watched the Patriots play-off win yesterday, you saw American history. And no, I’m not talking about the Patriots winning one more time.

It was this woman, Sarah Thomas. Ms. Thomas became the first woman to officiate an NFL playoff game. Right now, this mother of three is in her fourth season in the NFL.

Yesterday’s moment in the spotlight brought praise from another female trailblazer. Billy Jean King, the tennis icon. She tweeted, “You have to see it to be it. Little girls everywhere are watching. Way to go, Sarah Thomas!”

And by the way, talking about basketball, she has some sisters. Lauren Holtkamp is currently the only full-time NBA referee, but the NBA recently promoted two more women to full-time positions. The times, they are a- changing.


GUTFELD: They certainly are. Tom Brady broke a record, didn’t he? But that’s not important, is it!


GUTFELD: Let’s do this.

PERINO: Oh, no.


GUTFELD (singing): Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!


GUTFELD: You know, times — times, they are a-changing. Let’s take a look at this dog and this cat together. In times of diverse — of division, you see a dog and a cat. Dog petting a cat. It kind of warms your heart, doesn’t it, that they can be together. And it shows that anybody can get along along.

We couldn’t show you what happened next, because it was unnatural, Dana.  Unnatural! And that is why, as I always say —


GUTFELD (singing): Animals are great! Animals are great! Animals are great!


GUTFELD: You know, we’re going to be — we’re going to be working a new blankety-blank are great. It’s going to be a surprise. It’s going drive you crazy.

WATTERS: Shirtless politicians?

GUTFELD: Shirtless politicians are great.

PAVLICH: All right. Well, we have more “Animals Are Great” —

GUTFELD: Fantastic.

PAVLICH: — with my “One More Thing.” I went — recently went to South Africa. We went specifically to go shark cage diving with great white sharks. And I learned that killer whales actually eat the livers of great white sharks. So we didn’t see Great Whites, but we did see copper sharks, which were also very large.

PERINO: I would never do this.

PAVLICH: I took my GoPro with my husband. We got in the water, and we slowed this down for you. So you can see —


PAVLICH: — the shark come right up to the cage.

PERINO: Oh, my gosh.

PAVLICH: All he wanted was some fish.

PERINO: Did you give him some?

PAVLICH: And he almost came in the cage. Yes, see, they’re pulling the fish heads right there.

WATTERS: Didn’t you also go — didn’t you go skydiving, too?

PAVLICH: I did, yes.

WATTERS: You’re crazy.

PERINO: I would not — I would not do this.

PAVLICH: This was very fun. It was very cool to go, because it was not just a tourist thing. We went with a conservation organization. All the money that people paid to go do the shark cage diving goes back to science and researching these sharks and telling people like me that great white sharks get eaten by killer whales, which I didn’t know before.

GUTFELD: All right.

WATTERS: I went to — never even left the resort.

GUTFELD: “Special Report” up next. Hey, Bret.

BRET BAIER, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Hey, Greg, sharks are great.

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